It has been a while. Lots has happened. Great things have happened and lots of normal things. There have been some sad and bad things, but we've made it through.
I need to therapeutically get some things off my chest and will probably regret putting this out there, but hey, life is about being real and taking risks right?
Over the past month, I've been working to process, exorcise, swallow, and breathe through a bunch of panic. I was feeling great, for a while, at peace, happy, excited, basking in contentment and then little by little it crept up on my until I'm just drowning in it. There are several contributing factors. First is job certainty. . .not that I will HAVE a job but what will my job BE after July. My job is funded through then and after that I'm not sure what I will be doing. Then we are planning to start expanding our family in May. I'm thrilled and yet terrified with this prospect. With Roman, I had a less than glorious birth experience, then I lost a baby, I struggle with my weight, the list goes on and on and on. So I have a higher rist of a repeat c-section. . .there was a new study released today that links obese mom's with higher risk of autism. On top of that I'm raising a little boy. We're getting to the age where I don't feel on solid parenting footing. I have boundary issues, so sometimes instead of being the parent to my child at this age, I just keep DOING for him instead of TEACHING him. For example, teaching him to wash himself. . .it's just easier and faster to do it myself. . .as a baby I was all about exloring, learning lessons, etc, etc, etc. . . .what happened?
We're not in church as we should be. . .that is laying heavily on me as well. I've been having to answer some really hard questions from Roman recently about Jesus, God, Heaven, the Cruicifiction, the Resurrection, death. .. you name it. One of my thoughts is, "Wow, regular Sunday School attendance would really explain some of this so I don't have to" and also "I would be so much more prepared to answer these questions if I was faithfully in the Word" then guilt piles upon guilt, which spawns panic, and then we're down the rabbit hole. You see the pattern here?
And just to put the icing on the cake, I feel like I'm drowining in STUFF. Stuff that I want to get rid of and simultaniously am hesistant to be rid of because I might need it or I paid xyz for it. . .REDICULOUS. AND. . .I'm the only one who is currently bothered by it. . .I can't seem to get my husband, God love him, put away his dang clothes much less throw something away.
I HATE feeling this way. I can get my head above it sometimes but other times I'm either using all my skills to ignore it or am suffocating in it. It makes me feel so inept at life.
